“Are you okay?”
We know it’s a simple question, but it can be one of the hardest to ask – and to answer honestly.
September brings R U OK? Day and World Suicide Prevention Day, and marks one year since the Royal Commission into Defence and Veteran Suicide released its Final Report1 findings. And even though these dates are important reminders, mental health challenges don’t follow a calendar.
One in five Australians aged 16-852 experiences a mental illness in any year. For veterans, the risk is even higher. But here’s what we know: social connection is one of the most powerful protective factors for mental health.3
So how do we start the conversation?
GO2 Health psychologist, Ellyse McCallum, shared practical ways you can support the people in your life who might be going through a tough time.
Recognising the Signs
You might feel unsure about when to know if someone needs support. Some signs may be more obvious than others, and at times, it could just be a gut feeling.
If you’re worried about someone, these are some signs to look out for:
- Withdrawal from friends or usual activities
- Big changes in mood, sleep or appetite
- Talking about feeling hopeless or worthless
Starting the Conversation
Even if you’re worried about someone, it’s normal to be nervous about how to approach it. Often, we feel it’s best not to say anything, because we’re unsure what to say. Or we’re worried we’ll make things worse.
You don’t need to have the perfect words. Listening is enough to help someone feel seen or heard.
Start by choosing a private moment when you can both be fully present. Neither of you wants to feel distracted by your surroundings, or like you can’t talk openly.
Conversation starters might look like:
- “How are you feeling about…?”
- “I’ve noticed you seem a bit quiet lately. Are you okay?”
- “I care about you. How have you been going, really?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
You might have reached out to someone and received a response like, “I’m fine,” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” If you get the sense they may not be ready to open up, you can still let them know you care and you’re there for them.
You could say:
- “That’s okay. Just know I’m here if anything changes.”
- “I get it. Talking can be hard, but you don’t have to do this alone. I’m here when you need.”
This approach respects their boundaries and can help them feel less alone. If they feel ready to talk, they’ll feel more comfortable reaching out knowing you’ve offered your support.
Responding With Care
Remember that you don’t need to solve or fix the problem, just be there with them. By listening more than you speak and being curious and open, you’re giving them a safe space to share openly.
Phrases that help someone feel heard, without trying to fix the problem, could sound like:
- “You’re not alone in this.”
- “Your feelings are valid.”
- “It makes sense you feel this way.”
- “That sounds really tough.”
It’s also an opportunity to encourage help-seeking. Reinforce that asking for help is a sign of strength and remind them that professional support is always available to them. GPs, mental health professionals, Lifeline, Black Dog Institute and Beyond Blue are all safe places to start.
If you’re worried about their safety, you should:
- Ask directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” It’s a myth that talking about suicide puts the idea in someone’s mind.4
- Encourage them to call a crisis line, such as Lifeline, for 24/7 support.
- If you feel the situation is urgent, call 000.
If someone opens up to you, let them know you’re grateful they trusted you enough to share where they’re at. “Thank you for trusting me with this”, or “I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing this with me”, shows you recognise the courage it takes to speak up.
Make a point to check back in again soon (within the week if possible), to show them their struggles always matter. It can be as simple as saying, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to know how you’ve been going since we last spoke?”
Looking After Yourself
Supporting someone with their mental health challenges can be draining. Don’t forget to take care of yourself – your wellbeing matters, too.
- Always take a breath before and after difficult conversations.
- Set your own boundaries when you need to. It is just as important for you to protect and manage your own mental health and wellbeing.
- Remember to seek professional help and support from a GP or trusted mental health professional. Talking about difficult experiences can feel heavy, and you don’t need to carry this alone.
This R U OK? Day, Take the Initiative
Having each other’s back is at the heart of the veteran community. It’s part of the Aussie spirit, too. We want that tradition of support to continue, even when the battle might have changed.
Remember, it’s less about what you say and more about letting them know you’re there to listen.
And let’s keep the conversation going beyond RUOK? Day. Regular check-ins build trust and make it easier for people to ask for help when they need it. Don’t underestimate how much a quick text, call or catch-up can mean to the people in your life.
We’re here, too. You can book a GP or psychology appointment, including after-hours and weekend appointments, online (Hotdocs link) or by calling (07) 3355 5540.
If you need crisis support, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Open Arms on 1800 011 046 at any time.
Disclaimer: The information in this article is intended for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition.
References
1Royal Commission into Defence and Veteran Suicide. (2024). Final report (Vols. 1-7). Commonwealth of Australia. https://defenceveteransuicide.royalcommission.gov.au/publications/final-report
2Black Dog Institute. (2020). Facts & figures about mental health [Fact sheet]. https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/1-facts_figures.pdf
3Holt-Lunstad J. (2024). Social connection as a critical factor for mental and physical health: evidence, trends, challenges, and future implications. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 23(3), 312–332. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.21224
4Lifeline Australia. (n.d.). Suicide stigmas, myths and misconceptions. Lifeline Toolkit. https://toolkit.lifeline.org.au/topics/suicide/suicide-stigmas-myths-and-misconceptions
Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2022). Serving and ex-serving Australian Defence Force members who have served since 1985: suicide monitoring 1997 to 2020. https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/veterans/serving-and-ex-serving-adf-suicide-monitoring-2022
Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2025). Suicide and self-harm monitoring: ADF members. https://www.aihw.gov.au/suicide-self-harm-monitoring/population-groups/adf-members
Beyond Blue. (n.d.). Statistics. Beyond Blue. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/statistics
Lifeline Australia. (n.d.). I’m worried about someone. Lifeline Australia. https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/i-m-worried-about-someone/
Oltvolgyi, C. G., Meurk, C., & Heffernan, E. (2024). Suicide and suicidality in Australian Defence Force veterans: A systematic scoping review. The Australian and New Zealand journal of psychiatry, 58(9), 760–774. https://doi.org/10.1177/00048674241246443
